Start of Something New

22 May 2012

The first ever exam I took after years of being exam-free. You have no idea how nervous and scared I was. I started studying only a week before the big day. There were too many concepts and my biggest worry is not knowing which concepts to apply.

It was a 2 hour paper. Trust me. It passed by so fast. And as much as I hate to say this, I flunked few questions. I’m already frustrated with the previous assignment cause of my wonderful ‘teammate’ who amazingly pulled down my grade. I just hope I’ll get a decent grade at least for this paper.

Ohwells. Even if I didnt, it’s okay. Failure is another step closer to success. =D #selfmotivation

I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen but if that is the way she wants it to be, I’d back off and let her be. I will just succumb to fate. My existence is invisible to her anyway. So why bother right? Pfft. 

We finally met. After what seems like forever. But it didn’t turn out to be as what I’ve expected. I had to put on a brave front because I didn’t want to make things worse.

That first moment when we met, she didn’t even salam me. But she did that to my other friend. When my friend asks her to do the same to me, she ignored and made no attempt. Do you know how insulted I felt? Yes I know I was holding on to my laptop and bag but if she had attempted, I would have placed the laptop down.

Eye contact? None. And what happened following that was she was on call with someone apparently more important than me, chatted all the way and walk ahead so that I wouldn’t know who was that until we were almost reaching the mosque. Now can someone tell me what she meant by her claim when she said even if I’m there, it’s like I’m not there?

I decided to sit at the praying area, and since she can’t pray, she wanted to sit at the auditorium instead. Fair enough. We intended to have dinner together but when my friend asked her along, she rejected upfront. She even pushed my friend in front of everyone.

The first word I heard from my friend after that was ‘sedihnye’. Apparently she’s not used to the other side of her, and throughout the entire lunch, she’s still in disbelief. ‘Seriously, sedih gile, terguris hati aku’. ‘ Tak sangka die stubborn gitu sampai sanggup tolak aku depan org’

You see, even a third party felt hurt. What more me who went through this hostility for weeks?

We meant well. Because I invited her over, it’s only right to go dinner together. She chose not to. Is it my fault?

We took cab together on our way back home. She didn’t start any conversation. My other friend did. She could have joined in but she was looking out of the window all the way. I tried to bring her in the conversation, she wasn’t even listening. I had to repeat twice for her to reply. And when she did, her reply was half hearted.

And now she’s saying she know what it felt like to be friendless. That she’s sad with everything when she chose everything to be the way it is right now. I knew it. Space will only make things worse. She refused to listen to me and insisted that is exactly what she needed. Now just look at where we are.

I’m not as strong as I appear to be. I chose to suppress my emotions. I chose to act as if it didn’t affect me because I’m sick and tired of showing her I’m hurt umpteen times. I know she wouldn’t try to pacify me (recall back; 21st birthday)

And now after what happened yesterday she decided to be alone again.

Why can’t she see that what she’s doing is just wrong? All this happened because it is exactly what she requested. I went through tormenting ordeal just trying to make myself accept the fact that she’s no longer the person I knew. And when she claims she’s trying to make things better, it’s not what it seems to me. She is just furthering her distance and if anything bad happens, she will just push the blame on me.  

Sigh, I’m on the verge of giving up. My faith is crumbling down. Dear God, please give me the strengths I need to overcome this test. I can’t do this alone. </3

I don’t know where our friendship is heading to. It’s depressing to just think about it. And each time I did, I’ll just break down that instant not caring whoever is around me. Trust me,  I’m trying my best to be strong, but it’s just not working well. 

She decided to walk away after 7 years of friendship. Just because she’s hurt. But not once has she spared my thoughts. 

My 21st birthday. The worst day ever. I spent the night with her and my other best friend and all I got was heartbreak. It’s the only birthday I had with so much tears. Not joyful ones. Sad ones. I cried the entire night until my nose was blocked and my eyes were swollen. The minute I woke up, I continued crying all the way until we separated. And even when she heard me crying, she ignored it and went to sleep. I stopped awhile for the sake of my other friend. But I cried again when I met my other friends. You have absolutely no idea just how sad and depressed I was. 

But throughout all this, did I choose to leave? No, I’m still here. I’m willing to forgo that horrendous event all because I treasured our friendship. Have I ever made her cry so bad in front of me and just let her cry to sleep? No, I cant bear to do that. 

I was more than hurt. I was sad, angry and insulted. But again, did I choose to leave?

Let’s recall back day when she shouted at me in public and broke my two precious cups. I almost lost my live because of that. I was too depressed I had no mood to eat nor drink for almost 2 days. If it wasn’t for the people who helped me out when I fainted in public, I would have be gone by now. But even when she knows about it did she do anything to make me feel better? She just kept her distance from me. 

Any third party would just leave if the same thing happen to them. But did I? No. 

So tell me why does it seems like I’m the only one who treasured this friendship? 

Today marks the first official day for school and I feel like as though I am the youngest of them all. I’m not sure how I’ll cope with work and studies. To tell you the truth Im not sure if I can. =X

I’ll try my best but I really feel like changing job. I should get a job nearer to my school so at least it won’t be that rushing right. Or maybe I should hire a personal chauffeur. :p

A brand new year marks a brand new beginning. And that also means a brand new challenge. In shaa Allah I’ll go through this phase. I can do it. I must do it!